Whether you love business news or feel like you’re supposed to know it but hate it, Business Pants is business news for humans. Snarky and irreverent, deeply researched and factual, a podcast devoted to market quirks and the humans that make up companies. Investing isn’t a what, it’s a who.
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Story of the Week (DR): Meta settles social media addiction case with California, other states for $16.7 billion MM 5 Reasons to Be Happy An $18 billion payout sets a historic legal precedent against Big Tech, directing billions in state funding toward youth mental health, counseling, and digital literacy programs. Instagram and Facebook must enforce default two-hour daily usage limits and completely block account activity between midnight and 6 a.m. for users under 18. Teens and parents gain the explicit right to disable addictive engagement algorithms in favor of a non-personalized, chronolo
G UnitedHealth shareholders sue company over ‘corporate governance failures on a historic scale’ UBS fined record $125 million for money laundering violations $125 million civil penalty to the U.S. Treasury's Financial Crimes Enforcement Network (FinCEN) for willful violations of the Bank Secrecy Act (BSA), the primary U.S. anti-money laundering law. FinCEN said the fine is the largest ever assessed against a broker-dealer for BSA violations. The settlement marks FinCEN's second enforcement action against UBS Financial Services, a subsidiary of the Swiss bank UBS. The firm had previously paid
Story of the Week (DR): L3Harris ousts CEO after investigation into conduct MM L3Harris Technologies, the company that overhauled a Qatari plane now used as Air Force One, has replaced Christopher Kubasik as chairman and chief executive after an investigation determined he violated the defense contractor’s code of conduct. Kubasik’s alleged conduct didn’t involve and has no impact on the Melbourne, Fla., company’s financial reporting, controls, customer relationships or operational performance, L3Harris said Monday. The company didn’t give details on when it received a report of the potential
DR1 THINGS WE MISSED NERDY ESG STUFF L3Harris ousts CEO after investigation into conduct CARES L3Harris Technologies, the company that overhauled a Qatari plane now used as Air Force One, has replaced Christopher Kubasik as chairman and chief executive after an investigation determined he violated the defense contractor’s code of conduct. Kubasik’s alleged conduct didn’t involve and has no impact on the Melbourne, Fla., company’s financial reporting, controls, customer relationships or operational performance, L3Harris said Monday. The company didn’t give details on when it received a report o
Story of the Week (DR): Uber’s Strategy for Fighting Sexual Assault Suits: ‘What Were You Wearing?’ An aggressive defense strategy is being used in response to an avalanche of litigation, with over 4,000 lawsuits filed by passengers accusing Uber of failing to protect them from sexual assault While Uber publicly champions itself as a "survivor-centric" ally and trains support staff against victim-blaming, its defense lawyers ruthlessly contradict this to protect the $145 billion company. Uber’s attorneys aggressively interrogate survivors about their clothing (e.g., asking if they wore underwe
DR Matternet Appoints Starbucks EVP Sanjay Shah to Board of Directors Developer of commercial drone delivery systems for urban and suburban environments CEO/founder Andreas Raptopoulos: M.A. in Industrial Design Engineering; Diploma of Imperial College in Industrial Design Engineering; Diploma in Mechanical Engineering Chris Dawson: M.B.A. from INSEAD. Sanjay Kotte: B.B.A. in finance and management; M.B.A. and J.D. Laurence Marton, M.D.: expert in drug development, polyamine metabolism, and cancer research, Saurabh Ranjan: certification in human resource and law; M.A. and M.B.A. No female dire
Story of the Week (DR): Cracker Barrel CEO is out after MAGA backlash to "Uncle Herschel" logo change MM Before Julie Masino was brought in, Cracker Barrel was facing a slow-moving existential crisis: Their primary core customer base (older generations and rural highway travelers) was naturally shrinking, and younger diners were simply not replacing them. Kitchen tech, supply chains, and digital ordering lag behind competitors like Texas Roadhouse or Olive Garden. Some great fake populism from Fox: Cracker Barrel to pay for outgoing CEO’s security, $4.6M severance after failed rebrand Cracker
DR1 CEO Overlords In our 'Zuck saves kids from Mommies' headline of the week. Meta Working on Crushingly Sad AI App That Tells Bedtime Stories to Children, for “Tired” Parents*************** In our 'CEO overlords say the trick to getting a good career is figuring out how to please us' headline of the week. As millions of Gen Zers face unemployment, CEOs of Amazon, Citi, and McDonald’s say opportunity is still there—if you have the right mindset*************** In our 'If you have to ask why then you probably won't understand the answer' headline of the week. Why did a $154 billion CEO just endo
Story of the Week (DR): Trump’s Explosive Diarrhea Scandal Is Getting Worse and Worse Epidemiological data linked a widespread Cyclospora parasite outbreak—sickening over 1,600 people across multiple states—to shredded iceberg lettuce supplied by Taylor Farms de Mexico, triggering a voluntary 27-state recall. The FDA briefly reported a positive lab test on a Taylor Farms sample before retracting it a day later as a "false positive" due to testing complexities. Taylor Farms claimed online that the FDA "apologized," but the agency denied issuing an official apology and stressed that outbreak dat
DR Warner Bros.’ Zaslav Offers $68 Million to Buy Summer Camp new January 2026 employment agreement $96M: Make-Whole RSU award to CEO Daivd Zaslav of 1,963,465 shares; after January 2 Follow-On Option award of 3,052,734 options because share price is down Under a new employment agreement executed on June 12, 2025, Zaslav received a special award of 20,898,776 stock options with an exercise price of $10.16 (~$400M). Additionally, on January 2, 2026, he was granted 3,052,734 follow-on stock options with an exercise price of $28.51 (~$40M). To address the higher exercise price of these options co
Story of the Week (DR): ‘We faltered’: IBM stock collapses after a grave warning about AI Customers are Prioritizing AI Hardware: While IBM mostly sells software nowadays, businesses are currently cutting back on their software budgets. Instead, they are rushing to spend their money on physical computer parts (like chips and servers) needed to build new Artificial Intelligence systems. Board skills/tenure Former Intel CEO says the chipmaker went off the rails ‘when it started to be run by business people’ The inside story of IBM’s shocking profit warning Xbox CEO Joins Fed AI Jobs Task Force D
Fun Headlines Tesla Stock Is Waiting For Godot Jim Cramer on Meta: “Zuckerberg’s Not a Bozo, You Can Quote Me on That” Zuck Sucking Meta Employees Burned $221M in AI Tokens in One Month: Now Big Tech Starts Counting Every AI Prompt Mark Zuckerberg said AI agent tech is advancing more slowly than expected in an internal town hall Fighting Back Against Big Data Middle School Bro Bullies Japan enacts social media law requiring flagging of AI content in elections Law School Bans Laptops and Phones as AI Cheating Scandal Grows Disable autoplay and infinite scroll or risk massive fines, EU tells Met
Story of the Week (DR): Social Media's 'Big Tobacco Moment': Meta Faces $1.4 Trillion Fine for Allegedly Fueling Teen Suicide and Addiction Meta is being sued by 33 US states, led by California, Colorado, Kentucky, and New Jersey. 12 blue/12 red/9 purple The states allege that Meta deliberately designed Facebook and Instagram to be addictive to children and teens, fueling a youth mental health crisis (including anxiety, depression, self-harm, and suicide). They also accuse Meta of violating child privacy laws by collecting data from children under 13 without parental consent. Meta warned a fed
DR1 THINGS WE MISSED The meritocracy is still a lie: ‘Don’t look at the résumé’: Elon Musk admits he’s ‘fallen prey’ to flashy credentials and says conversation matters most when hiring “Generally, what I tell people—I tell myself, I guess, aspirationally—is, don’t look at the résumé,” he said. “Just believe your interaction. The résumé may seem very impressive…but if the conversation after 20 minutes is not ‘Wow,’ you should believe the conversation, not the paper.” “I think goodness of heart is important.” Four Black women. Nine degrees. Not one steady paycheck. The president promised to sav
Story of the Week (DR): JP Morgan’s news week The Lurid Lawsuit, Salami Scandal and Trash-Can Thief Vexing JPMorgan’s PR Department AND Meme of 'JPMorgan's HR Department in 2026' Has People in Stitches Amid Sex Scandal and Knicks Bin Incident She Stole a Knicks Trash Can Off the Street and Lost Her Job at JPMorgan The Trash Bin That Cost Her Career: Who Is Angie Báez? JPMorgan DEI Executive Fired After Viral Knicks Parade Video The Trash-Can Thief: Angie Báez, an Executive Director of Community and Industry Engagement at the bank, was captured on a viral video during the New York Knicks champi
DR1 Our Tech Overlords In our 'Elon Musk's alibi to police was, "It couldn’t be my fault; I haven’t been at Tesla since they passed my pay package."' headline of the week. Tesla Under Fire After Car Smashes Into Texas Home and Kills 76-Year-Old Grandmother*************** In our 'Hello, my name is Jeff, I have a younger brother and sister, my favorite food is Betty Crocker pancakes, and I am a Coupon-ism major at Columbia University' headline of the week. Jeff Bezos Called Washington Post His Worst Investment and Staff He Laid Off ‘Terrible’ People*************** LivingSocial (Written Down 2016
Story of the Week (DR): Big Media Dictatorship Craziness MM Justice Department Decision to Allow Paramount Deal Surprised Staff Investigators and US approval of Paramount/Warner Bros. deal surprised DOJ lawyers and The UFC’s Despicable Night at the White House Senior Justice Department officials suddenly closed an eight-month antitrust investigation and approved Paramount’s $111 billion acquisition of Warner Bros. Discovery, shocking career staff attorneys who were preparing to recommend a lawsuit to block it. DOJ investigators worried the combined company's massive debt would prevent it from
Story of the Week (DR): SuperBroIpoDystopia: Some key facts: MM a record-breaking $135 per share with$1.8T valuation To make that math make sense, analysts estimate the company needs to grow its sales by 50% every single year for the next decade SpaceX lost $4.9B last year Wall Street is Being Treated Like Order-Takers: Musk pre-set the IPO price strictly at $135 and dictating exactly which investors got allocations. This forced major investment banks like Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley to act as glorified order-takers without even knowing their exact compensation beforehand Saudi Aramco $1.
DAMION Carnival Corporation's data breach exposed personal data of nearly 6 million customers: An April social engineering attack on an employee account compromised names, dates of birth, and government-issued ID numbers. WHO DO YOU BLAME Skills: Technology & Cybersecurity: Experience with information technology and cybersecurity matters is increasingly important to mitigate the risks our business faces, promote innovation and maintain a competitive edge in a rapidly evolving technological age Least represented 5/11 CEO Josh Weinstein NO: at Carnival since 2002, started as General Counsel Sir
Story of the Week (DR): BP ousts chair over ‘serious’ governance, oversight concerns MM The board said the decision was unanimous. In a statement, Amanda Blanc, BP's senior independent director, described the board as having been caught off guard by what it found: "The board has been surprised and disappointed to learn of governance oversight and conduct issues it deems unacceptable and has taken decisive action." The oil giant’s board removed Albert Manifold from his roles as chair and director this week, effective immediately. He faced a contingent of investor opposition at BP’s recent annua
ESG Stuff BP removes chairman Albert Manifold over governance issues 9 The board said the decision was unanimous. In a statement, Amanda Blanc, BP's senior independent director, described the board as having been caught off guard by what it found: "The board has been surprised and disappointed to learn of governance oversight and conduct issues it deems unacceptable and has taken decisive action." The company did not elaborate on the specific nature of the concerns. Ian Tyler has been named interim chair, BP said, with the board set to begin a formal process to identify a permanent successor:
The Good Game Former Google CEO Eric Schmidt booed by graduates at mention of AI And yet: College students are booing commencement speakers celebrating AI, but the wave of hate hasn’t stopped them from using it to cheat on their exams Elon Musk loses court battle against Sam Altman and OpenAI after 3-week trial A federal jury in Oakland, California, on Monday said Elon Musk waited too long to sue OpenAI and its CEO Sam Altman over claims they allegedly violated an agreement to run their artificial intelligence venture strictly as a charitable nonprofit. The advisory jury’s verdict, which came
Story of the Week (DR): Trump is bringing Tim Cook, Elon Musk, and a dozen other CEOs to Beijing for his Xi summit Technology & AI Elon Musk – CEO, Tesla and SpaceX Tim Cook – CEO, Apple Jensen Huang – CEO, Nvidia (joined as a last-minute addition after a personal call from the President) Cristiano Amon – CEO, Qualcomm Sanjay Mehrotra – CEO, Micron Technology Dina Powell McCormick – President, Meta Jim Anderson – CEO, Coherent Finance & Investment Larry Fink – CEO, BlackRock Stephen Schwarzman – CEO, Blackstone David Solomon – CEO, Goldman Sachs Jane Fraser – CEO, Citigroup Aerospace & Manufac
DR Coinbase cuts headcount by 14% citing AI acceleration. The shares are gaining Coinbase cuts headcount by 14% citing AI acceleration WHO DO YOU BLAME? Cofounder/CEO/Chair Brian Armstrong: 49.6% voting power MM In 2020, amidst global protests for racial justice, Armstrong issued a blog post that effectively banned employees from discussing social issues or activism at work: "We don't advocate for any particular causes or candidates internally that are unrelated to our mission, because it is a distraction from our mission... we won't engage in broader societal issues." Brian is a proponent of
Story of the Week (DR): Happy (?) May Day MM May Day 2026: Top CEO pay increased 20 times faster than workers’ pay in 2025 Rivian Sold 42,247 Cars And Paid Its CEO [RJ Scaringe] $403 Million, Or 15 Jim Farleys Comcast Co-CEO Mike Cavanagh Lands $72 Million Pay Package For 2025 Google co-founder [Sergey Brin] rips California billionaire tax: 'I fled socialism' ONE-TIME wealth tax: The proposal would impose a 5% tax on net worth above the $1 billion threshold for people who were California residents as of Jan. 1, 2026, with some assets like real estate and certain retirement accounts excluded ~$
